


Bang the Doldrums

by theonlyconstant



Category: How I Met Your Mother
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-02-19
Updated: 2012-02-19
Packaged: 2017-10-31 10:58:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,335
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/343299
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theonlyconstant/pseuds/theonlyconstant
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They can't be friends. They can't be lovers. They can't have a happy story.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bang the Doldrums

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is based on the song Bang the Doldrums by Fall Out Boy. The story stays pretty close to the song. As it's not a particularly happy or hopeful song, this story is also neither of those things.

A few times in his life Ted Mosby had woken up with something written on him. There was the ultimate time, when he had woken up with “I am Ted. If found, please call…” and Barney had been asleep in the bathtub and there was a pineapple next to his bed. That was also the time Barney set Ted on fire. Well, Ted’s jacket.

Maybe there is a connection between being written on and getting set on fire.

There was the time that Barney wrote Asshole on his forehead in red permanent marker. He couldn’t go into work for three days and went through all of Robin’s toner and two bottles of rubbing alcohol trying to get it off. That was after the time that Ted had set Barney’s tie on fire at the bar but before the time he set Barney’s suit jacket on fire in the apartment. The tie was an accident. The jacket was on purpose.

After the jacket, Barney drew a penis on his face in Robin’s lipstick. This was also after he got Ted so drunk he passed out. Ted took a picture of himself the next morning with his mouth open, his tongue pointing at the lipstick dick, and sent it back to Barney with words “you wish”.

Barney texted back, “I do.”

Maybe that’s how the whole mess started, Ted doesn’t really remember.

Writing on each other becomes a tradition. Ted writes good morning on Barney’s chest in charcoal. Barney writes “Barney’s” on Ted’s dick in lipstick and Ted think he’s just stealing all of it from Robin now and boy is she going to be pissed. It’s one of the MAC ones, too, the same one Ted uses to write “I love you” on Barney’s back, which Barney only sees as he’s getting dressed and he smears it all over his shirt and Barney’s mood is ruined. After one particularly vicious fight, Barney writes “please insert in mouth” in permanent marker on Ted’s left foot.

Ted doesn’t bother trying to get that off because it’s true. It’s still on his foot, fading, when he writes “good bye” in giant block letters across Barney’s forearm with the red glitter pen he found in the bag of the girl he also found in Barney’s apartment.

He knows Barney is a cheater. He just didn’t think he’d cheat on him. 

*

They couldn’t be friends anymore. They tried being friends. They tried being best friends. They tried having each other’s back, they tried so many things. They tried drinking until they blacked out, they tried strip clubs, they tried gambling, they tried just going to a coffee shop and doing something sober.

But they couldn’t be friends anymore.

This was after setting Barney’s jacket on fire but before Barney wrote on his foot.

Something is broken in their relationship. Something is off, the tension is crying out constantly. He doesn’t know what it is. He knows partly that he doesn’t trust Barney anymore. Barney has broken his heart too many times. How can he ever trust him to be his friend again? He can’t. In fact, the only person he can trust is Marshall.

He sure as fuck can’t trust himself.

The problem is he and Barney can’t be friends anymore. They can barely stand to be around each other. But there is one thing they can do. It’s the only thing they can do without fighting, the only thing they can do without screaming at each other.

Minimal screaming anyway.

Ted can’t remember how they fucked the first time. He can’t remember where they were, or what day of the week it was. He can’t remember what they were fighting about, but they were fighting about something. They always fight before they fuck. The truth is it’s the only way they know how to do it. Ted doesn’t know what it would feel like to fuck Barney without his hands around his neck, trying to decide if he wants to kiss him or strangle him.

It usually ends up being about 50/50. Thank God Barney is always wearing those suits. It hides the bruises.

What Ted can remember is how they’ve fucked since then. In bathroom stalls, on pool tables in abandoned bars, in dark alleyways, in Ted’s apartment, in Barney’s apartment, on the couch, on the floor, in the kitchen with Lily in the next room while Barney is hissing in his ear “if you say one goddamn word I will never put my dick in you again.”

A real threat.

They don’t always fight after sex, but they do sometimes. And then sometimes, if they don’t have to go rejoin the world and act like normal human beings, they hold each other in their own weird way. It’s weird because Barney, who should be all arms behind his head and confidence and possibly smoking a cigarette, is instead in the crook that Ted’s body creates, chin resting on top of Ted’s chest, arm slung out over Ted’s body, one leg hooked over his. Ted keeps one possessive around him, like he’s protecting him from something.

Maybe he is. Maybe that’s why they only do it sometimes, because Barney doesn’t always need to be protected.

*

They live their love life in secret, in the back seat of cars and in bathrooms with locked doors.

They live their tumultuous friendship in public, openly bickering and leaving hateful voicemails, bumping fists and high fiving and sharing what appear to be jealous glances over stolen women, when in reality they are jealous glances that they’re not spending the night together.

Barney sends him obscene text messages all hours of the day. “Are you aware that you’re a crazy person?” Ted texts him.

“You don’t think that when you’re bent over my bathroom sink with my tongue in your ass,” Barney texts back.

“No, I don’t think that. I know that.” But the truth is when he’s bent over Barney’s sink with Barney’s tongue in his ass he doesn’t know anything except how good it feels and that in reality, he’s the crazy person.

“Are you ok?” Robin asks him one day at the bar near Barney’s apartment. He’s got bags under his eyes, he’s ten pounds down, and he has a knee-shaped bruise on the inner part of his right thigh but Robin can’t see that, she just sees him wincing.

“Of course,” he says. “I just need another drink.”

“I think you need a cab,” she says. 

“Just a drink,” Ted pleads. Robin sighs and orders him a scotch. When it comes, she lets Ted take a long sip before she asks.

“Are you stealing my lipstick?”

Ted chokes. He doesn’t have the heart to explain it to her. Not the heart – the balls.

*

“Who are you?” Lily asks.

“What?” Ted asks distantly. He’s looking out the window. Have they been talking? How long have they been there? Where are they?

“Who are you and what have you done with Ted Mosby?” she asks.

They’re in her classroom. It’s lunch time, Ted realizes, because Lily has a tray on her desk and Ted is holding a half-drunken chocolate milk. He’s sitting on a tiny chair staring out the window. How did he get there?

“I don’t know,” he answers, because it’s the only honest thing he can say at the moment.

“Ted, you and Barney have got to stop fighting. It’s getting ridiculous. I thought you guys had worked out all your problems and were friends now,” Lily says.

Ted shrugs. He doesn’t think they’re friends. He doesn’t think they’re anything at all.

“Are you listening?” Lily asks. Ted’s pants vibrate and buzz. He pulls his phone out of his pocket.

“I have a thirty minute break between meetings, I’m hard, and I’ve already got two fingers inside. Where are you?” says the text message.

“I have to go,” Ted says absently.

“Go where, Ted, go where at 11:30 in the morning? Aren’t you supposed to be at work?”

“I don’t know where I’m supposed to be,” Ted answers truthfully. Does have class that day? Who cares when he knows Barney is waiting for him. It’ll only be ten minutes by cab, tops. Maybe he can pay the guy extra to go fast.

“Ted, are you using drugs?” Lily asks in her most serious teacher voice.

“Not that I’m aware of,” he says because honestly you never know with Barney. Maybe he’s been feeding Ted some experimental drug GNB is thinking of investing in. It might explain the last six months of his life.

“Are you giving me drugs?” Ted asks Barney while he bends him over the desk, sliding inside him easily.

“No,” Barney grunts. “Why, do you want me to?”

“No,” Ted replies, though he barely can.

“Are you sure?” Barney asks, pushing back into Ted. “I mean, you fuck for a while but I could give you some stuff that could make you fuck all night.”

“You can’t fuck all night,” Ted says leaning over him and biting his ear.

“Challenge accepted.”

It’s a long night. Ted busts his knee and in the morning, after a shower, Barney agrees to take him to the hospital.

This was after the lipstick dick on his face but before the I love you.

*

For three weeks they don’t speak. Everyone thinks they’re fighting. They are fighting. They’re in the biggest fight of their friendship/dateship/relationship/ultimate fuck buddy status.

What everyone doesn’t know is that they’re still fucking the entire time.

“One of you has to apologize,” Marshall says. He has such an irritating habit of being right about Barney and Ted. Sometimes Ted is convinced he knows they’re fucking and doesn’t want to say anything.

“It’s not going to be me, I have nothing to apologize for,” Ted says angrily. 

“You never do,” Marshall agrees. “But you usually do, just to end the fight.”

Ted shrugs. “Maybe this time I don’t want to,” he says.

“You never do,” Marshal echoes.

Barney comes into the bar and sits down next to Marshall. He and Ted don’t make eye contact and carry on the entire night as if the other isn’t there. They’re last two of the group to leave, because everyone thinks if they leave them alone maybe they’ll talk, and maybe they’ll work it out.

They sit quietly across from each other for long minutes, the silence like a weight.

“You want to fuck in the bathroom?” Barney asks quietly, looking down at his drink.

“No,” Ted replies and kicks at the ground.

“Fine,” Barney concedes. “Do you wanna have sex in the alley?”

“No,” Ted says again.

“Fine,” Barney agrees. “Do you want to go back to my apartment and have sex?”

“No,” Ted says, petulantly this time, angry. 

They sit in silence for a while longer.

“I’m sorry,” Barney finally says, but it sounds like he’s telling his drink that and not Ted.

Ted looks up sharply and examines him. Barney never takes his eyes off the drink, but Ted knows he’s not really looking at it. “Ok,” he agrees. “Let’s go to your place.”

It’s the longest cab ride of his life.

The next day he writes good morning on Barney’s back in whip cream and licks it off. They stop fighting and start pretending they’re friends again. Everyone believes them.

Ted even believes them for a while.

*

After that, they decide to have a secret relationship. They’ll stop sleeping with other people, they agree. They won’t make each other jealous. They won’t pretend to be friends. They’ll be boyfriends. They’re just not going to tell anyone.

It’s not like anyone besides them will know the difference.

What a stupid fucking idea.

So they try. They don’t fight. They get along and don’t talk about anything serious. It’s almost like things are back to the way they were before. Back to before Ted was getting black out drunk every other weekend to cope with everything going on, back before Barney was throwing up multiple times a day from stress. 

But everyone thinks they’re doing better than ever. They decide to leave it that way.

Ted can hear the clock ticking down to the moment of their demise.

It starts after he shouts “I love you, you asshole!” and Barney doesn’t say it back, but makes love to him instead. It’s different than any of the times they’ve fucked. It’s definitely making love. It’s definitely slow, and sweet, and tender. Ted wants to remember it forever.

Things are ok for a few weeks after. They’re really back to normal, back to laughing and happiness. And that’s how Ted should have known better. How he should have known that if things were getting back to normal, Barney would be getting back to normal.

“Don’t cheat on me,” he says quietly one night with Barney tucked against his chest. The immediate tension from Barney shakes through his body.

“Don’t be an asshole,” Barney replies. The ticking noise in Ted’s ears gets louder.

“Are you ok?” Robin asks him the next day.

“I thought you were done asking that,” he says quietly.

“I thought you were done being a mess,” Robin replies.

He doesn’t know what to say. His life has been a mess since the day Barney walked into it. He’s pretty sure it will be a mess until the day he gets him out of it. Then he laughs to himself, and Robin looks at him sharply. He waves her away.

It’s funny though. Get Barney out of his life. He knows that’s not the way this goes. The way it goes is Barney walks out of his life. But he knows, that like any port after a storm, he’ll never really be the same.

*

Ted punches him directly in the face. Hits his nose hard enough to break it. It’s the hardest punch he’s ever thrown in his life. Ted worries he’s fucked up his own hand.

Barney reels back and grabs his face but says nothing. He doesn’t say what the fuck, he doesn’t yell or scream or do anything that anyone else in the bar is expecting him to do. He doesn’t throw a punch back. He can’t. He still has the goodbye written on his arm, even though no one can see it.

Marshall steps between them just in case but no one says anything. There’s blood dripping down Barney’s face, crawling out from under his cupped his hands.

“You should go to the hospital,” Robin says, very quietly. Barney looks at her and nods ever so slightly. She grabs their coats and they walk out together.

Ted and Marshall sit back down in the booth where Lily is. They don’t say anything. Ted orders another drink and ice for his hand and they still don’t say anything. He puts his hand in the glass of ice and stares at them.

They stare back.

“Are you going to go back to normal now?” Lily asks. Ted nods.

He’s pretty sure he will anyway. Nothing turns out to be wrong with his hand. He sees Barney two days later with deep purple bruises under his eyes like a raccoon, and a bright white bandage across his nose. He won’t need surgery Robin has told him.

“I’m sorry,” Barney says quietly. He’s standing in the door of the apartment. Robin is watching Ted from her bedroom door where Ted can see her but Barney can’t.

“It’s not enough this time,” Ted replies.

“I know,” Barney says, and leans against the door like it’s the only thing in the world that can hold him up. It’s effortlessly sexy, the way that everything Barney does is, and it goes straight to Ted’s dick. “I just had to say it anyway,” Barney explains.

“You’re a horrible friend,” Ted says.

“I know,” Barney says.

“You were never my best friend.”

Barney nods and looks away from Ted. “I know that, too.”

“You’re an even worse boyfriend,” Ted says and doesn’t care that Robin can hear. She knows. They all know by now. They know almost every sordid detail and Ted owes Robin a trip to MAC.

“That’s very true,” Barney agrees.

“I could wring your neck.”

“You’ve done it before,” Barney says, with a flick of his eyes up and down Ted’s body. Fuck him, Ted thinks. Fuck this guy.

He’s going to fuck him so hard.

He drags Barney into the apartment roughly by his wrist, and hopes he wrenches his arm out of its socket. He slams the bedroom door as hard as he can and slams Barney up against it with equal force.

“This is the last time,” Ted hisses, kissing him roughly and not caring about Barney’s nose.

“I know,” Barney says. “Why do you think I came?”

It is the last time. It’s four last times, because Ted knows he will never see Barney naked in his bed again and wants to see every inch of him. For as much as he hates Barney right now – and he does with every fiber of his being – he loves the curve of his ass and the length of his dick, loves his thin lips and short hair. He loves the arch of Barney’s foot when it’s slung over his shoulder, loves the bite of his teeth, loves the dig of his nails in his ribs, loves the way that Barney always smells expensive, like a steak dinner and a nice cognac.

But he really fucking hates Barney Stinson right now.

It’s night by the time they’re fucked out, no lights on in the apartment. Ted has no idea if Robin is still in the apartment or not. He gets off the bed and starts to put clothes on, boxers and a tshirt, because he wants to be dressed when he kicks Barney out for good.

“I love you,” Barney tells the dark.

Ted feels like his heart has been punched. He’s breathless. When he finds his voice he says “It’s too late.”

He feels Barney’s hands slide across his back, feels a kiss drop on the junction of his neck and shoulder. “I know,” Barney whispers into his ear. “But you deserved to know. That this is what happens when I love people. Someone gets hurt, usually both of us.”

Ted knows it’s the truth.

Barney doesn’t turn on any lights when he leaves. He just goes, leaving Ted in the dark.

Sounds about right.

Ted is grateful that New York is big enough that they never really run into each other, or they can avoid it if they try hard enough. After a few years, he mostly forgets about everything. He meets a nice girl, and thinks he could settle down with her. He loves her in a desperate and healthy way, and he hates himself for having to think about muscled planes and a hard dick to get it up around her. He’s pretty sure that will go away with time, as he gets used to the softness of her body and the fact that she never leaves bruises on him.

The day he stops looking for the bruises in the mirror is the day he decides to propose to her.

When he tells his kids stories about the crazy days of his late twenties, he calls him Uncle Barney. He thinks it’ll throw them off the trail, and they’ll never figure out that they used to sleep together, or that they used to call each other horrible things in bed, or that when Ted is really desperate and feels like he’s coming apart, he takes a nice silk tie and wraps it around his wrist and tugs until it hurts.

He tells them whatever, because it doesn’t matter. It only matters that they never ask him where Barney is these days. He doesn’t know the answer to that question. They see Marshall and Lily and Robin. Barney is just the stuff of legends.

Ted is pretty sure he’d want it that way.


End file.
